Why Carlisle went mad
by the queen of slurking
Summary: On an average day in the Cullen household, Carlisle is thinking. It results in him going mad.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I obviously do not own Carlisle or any other Twilight character-or Twilight for that matter. Stephenie Meyer does. I'm just borrowing them to create this fanfic. I only own the plotline and the Subway white chocolate/macadamia nut cookie and can of Diet Coke that gave me the idea for this. Credit is due entirely to Stephenie Meyer and the cookie and Diet Coke. I don't get any.**

Why Carlisle went mad-Prologue

It began as any other day in the Cullen household. Rosalie was admiring herself in the mirror, Emmett and Jasper were acting like children over a video game while Edward refereed, Alice was out shopping and had dragged Bella and Esme along, and Carlisle was sitting in his study reflecting on his three and a half centuries of life.

Carlisle's thoughts soon turned to his family, as they often did. He began to contemplate each member in turn, thinking over their personality and the key part of their personality that was the most dominant-the defining trait, if you will. It seemed more to him that everyone else had something really dominant in their personality, and with the exception of Rosalie, that dominant something was really freaking awesome. It also seemed to Carlisle that _he _did not have an awesome aspect to his personality, and this upset him.

To think this was even possible! Carlisle had been under the impression that he too was awesome in some way-being surrounded by awesome people gave him the idea that since everyone around him was so great, he must be as well. And yet, he felt pretty miserable as he began to focus on each of his 'childrens' awesomeness and even worse when he focused on how amazing Esme was. _Maybe,_ he thought with dread, _she won't still love me if I'm not awesome._ How did this even happen, he mused. The head of a family-vampires at that-and a pretty damned powerful one too, and he wasn't awesome. Why?

His theory was only solidified by the realization that Edward had not heard his thoughts and come to investigate, nor had Jasper felt his mood. Rosalie was too wrapped up in herself to give him any attention, and Emmett was too focused on blowing up aliens with Jasper.

And with that, Carlisle Cullen had his most drastic realization in three hundred and fifty years: he truly was not awesome.

**This is just the prologue: the next chapters will be Carlisle contemplating each member of his family at length. Renesmee doesn't feature. This story is after Bella has become a vampire and Breaking Dawn has ended. Warning: following chapters may have excessive use of the word 'awesome'as demonstrated in this. Intended for humour. Chapter 2 to come shortly.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I'm not Stephenie Meyer. She owns Twilight. I don't. Etc. I only own the tube of mascara that inspired this chapter. The mascara sparkles. (See the connection?). So credit goes to the mascara and Stephenie Meyer. I'm just trying to make this as ridiculous as possible for my own amusement. Light relief.**

Carlisle thinks: Edward

Edward was the first vampire I created, and I didn't realize he would be able to read minds. I have to say, it was really weird when he answered what was going on in my head. And truth be told, I was kind of jealous. I created him, and I'd been alive for over two hundred years already-why didn't I have some kind of ability like that? If I'm honest it still bugs me from time to time. I've not yet developed any great skill and I'm over three centuries old.

Once the weirdness of his mind-reading ability passed, it was pretty cool. Convenient too. It meant that sometimes when I didn't want to actually talk, I could just think. On the other hand though, it was kind of annoying. Invasive, especially when there was something I wanted to keep to myself. Basically if he was around and listening, it means no secrets and not a lot of privacy. Although that could be good, knowing what someone doesn't want you to know-you could then use that knowledge to blackmail them.

It's weird that he hasn't picked up on what I'm thinking now. He must be focusing very hard on blocking my thoughts out.

_(Listens carefully)_

Oh. He's refereeing a video game between Jasper and Emmett. Who are behaving like small children. Good. Peace and quiet to contemplate further.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. His ability to read minds is pretty awesome, and the fact that he can hear almost every person on this planet and what they're thinking. I sometimes wish I could do that. I think it makes me less interesting, that I don't have this really great power. Four members of my family do-does that make me just average? I must be pretty boring: the oldest vampire in this family and I can't even do something as basic as read minds.

I think that Edward's ability to read minds is the one trait that really defines him. Not being a pompous prat, or overprotective towards Bella, but mind reading. That's strange. It's as if we all recognize him for his mind-reading. Wait, does that mean that if one day he found he couldn't read minds, he would be less him? Must be... And then he wouldn't be so awesome. I wouldn't be alone in my un-awesomeness.

He clearly isn't listening, otherwise he would have picked up on what I'm thinking and probably be asking what I'm on about. That, or he does know and is thinking that I'm just getting old and slightly batty.

_Old._ Am I old now? And slightly batty? I must be. Edward is paying me no attention whatsoever. Hmph. Stupid mind-reading know-it-all vampire. Too busy focusing on refereeing and aliens to even think about me.

_(Carlisle then scowls in Edward's general direction and mutters a few words under his breath. He then gets a nail file and carves into the door EDWARD SUCKS)._

**I'm planning to use one character per chapter. Carlisle is going to act stranger and stranger until he snaps. If you have any ideas about how he could act weird I'd love to hear them. Full credit and acknowledgement to anyone whose idea I use. **

**Please review!**


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimed: You know how it is. I'm not Stephenie Meyer. Not since I last knew, anyway. Don't own anything. Underlined name=the character is speaking.

Carlisle thinks: Rosalie

Rosalie is one of the younger vampires I created. When I found her dying thanks to those idiot men, I knew I should save her life. I felt bad that she was screaming in so much pain, but then, she'd probably never really known real pain in her eighteen years of human-ness. She'd lived in the glow of her beauty and her love of being adored by her parents. Of course, they would want the best for their daughter-she was beautiful enough that any man would want to marry her.

She doesn't really have any epic talent, unless you count admiring yourself in a mirror, being incredibly vain and able to fix up cars _talents_. But beauty was something that opened up every door for her and she sort of glided through life as though her beauty was the only worthwhile thing in her life. In a way, I did her a favour freezing her at eighteen-forever young, and she'll never have to know the horror of wrinkles or the indignity of gray hairs.

I have to admit, I was kind of upset to see how stunning she was as an immortal. Becoming a vampire had only increased her beauty and that reminded me that, even when I was human, I had never been considered stunning. I had been good-looking, yes, but never to the same degree as Rosalie. For me, becoming a vampire had made me quite good-looking (hey, I'm trying to be modest. I know some people think I look a little like one of the Greek gods) but that was typical. Our kind always was extremely beautiful. Me though, I always thought myself slightly average in a world of beautiful people.

Maybe this also comes with being old and as a side effect of thinking too much. None of my family has yet noticed me sitting in here, cooped up on my own while they all enjoy their time. I guess this is what comes of working too much: I don't really know what to do with my free time.

_(Thinking very hard)_

What if my age has somehow dulled my vampire beauty? I've also had to put up with five kids over the years and recently a sixth has joined us-maybe that's caused a mental aging that has started to show on my face?

Oh God... I know: I can never go gray and get wrinkles, but what if Esme stops loving me soon?

_(Goes to the window)_

Good, the women are back from their shopping. All loaded down with their bags. Maybe one of them will come up here and talk to me?

_Five minutes later:_

No chance. This is going to be a fashion parade courtesy of Alice and Bella. Esme has joined their insanity and is describing to me each outfit as suitable. Fantastic. Maybe they're all on something. If they weren't vampires, I would believe that.

_Four hours later:_

That had to be the longest fashion parade I have ever seen. It's a good thing we can't lose our voices or Esme would have talked herself hoarse. And Rosalie appeared, having smelled the new clothes, and began advising them on how they could wear the same outfit thirty-eight ways. It was beyond boring, but I had to act like I cared and tried not to wonder exactly how much they spent. I know I have billions but I like to watch my money and make sure it isn't spent on frivolous stuff. Then again, with a shopaholic like Alice in the family, that's sort of a wasted wish.

Still no-one is paying me any other attention. The fashionistas have made my study look like a tornado has just ripped through... How am I supposed to clean this all up? Hey, the window's open.

_Two minutes later_

Well, it's worth facing the wrath of Alice and the others, as well as making multiple trips back and forth to the window... sorry new clothes but it's a mess in here and I want it tidy!

5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

Alice: CARLISLE! Are you insane? Why did you have to throw the new clothes out the window? Why didn't I see you doing it? Do you have ANY idea how much it all cost? And do you know how much of it is ruined? Some of it I could put through the wash and it'll be okay, but you damaged the good stuff you idiot! Those clothes hadn't even been worn ONCE and they're already ruined beyond repair. I'm going to have to go and replace them now, which means I'm going to have to go back to the mall and buy exact replicas. Of everything! _(begins sobbing tearlessly)_

Esme: Carlisle, dear, what possessed you? You didn't have to throw the clothes from the window if it was getting messy in here. You could've just called Alice to pick everything up. _(Alice nods, glaring savagely at Carlisle)_

Bella: Do you have any idea I endured being made into a Barbie Makeover doll? And then you go and throw it all out the window... Dude, you must be insane.

Carlisle: Well, no-one was paying ME any attention! The boys are behaving like children and you're all behaving like designer obsessed brats. You too, Esme and Bella. I thought you in particular knew better, Bella. I would have expected this from Alice and Rosalie anyday, but not either of you. _(The women all look at each other and shrug)._

Alice: But that's essentially what we are. We're female. It's like, in our DNA to like shopping and clothes and all that.

Carlisle: It is not in your DNA! Here, take my credit card and get the things you want to replace. Get anything you want. Get everything there is, if you want.

_Alice and Rosalie's eyes light up with glee.'SHOPPING!'they squeal as they head for the door trailed by Esme and Bella._

Well, I handled that well. Except I'm feeding Alice's shopping addiction and not really helping Rosalie become less vain. And in approximately six hours they'll materialize with even more stuff than before.

Oh crap.

_(Carlisle then glares at the book he uses for keeping track of the stock markets and investments. He yanks it off the shelf and throws it into a corner, cursing at it. He then stomps on it and kicks it around the room until it's very beaten up and tattered. He scoops it up, cradles it gently and whispers 'I'm so sorry' over and over to the book. He picks up a knife and carves into the door below 'EDWARD SUCKS', 'SO DOES ROSALIE'.)_

**Haha... I'm enjoying this new fanfic. It's fun making Carlisle go crazy. He is a puppet and I am pulling his strings... hahahahaha. **

**I need some more ways to send Carlisle mad. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I'm starting to run out.**

**Please review and give me an idea how to send Carlisle crazy. Also, thanks to those of you who have so far subscribed to this story/reviewed/etc.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimed.**

Carlisle thinks: Emmett

Strength. That's the first thing that comes to mind when I think of Emmett. He's ridiculously strong, even for a vampire. Like, he's really strong, and vampires are really strong, so he's really, really strong. Which is great. Admittedly, it isn't much of a talent to be able to lift whole trucks or pick up a small house in both hands, but it's pretty damned cool. I can't do any of that. About the most I can do is lift a table one-handed. Not a dining room table either, more like a little coffee table you would put beside a couch or armchair. But those tables can be heavy: Esme insists on them being oak or some other fancy material, so I suppose it's all good. Emmett though, can lift two of those little tables and carry an armchair on his back, and still not feel any kind of pain or anything. (Well, of course not. We're vampires. We don't really feel much pain.)

Although I have to admit, it's weird that he's so strong. And so muscular! Any human would be forgiven for thinking he might be on steroids. Even I thought that when I first saw him, but then again, steroids weren't invented back in 1935.

But as far as physical strength goes, he's possibly one of the strongest people in the world. I have to admit, I'm jealous. Even after his newborn strength had waned, he was still strong. I remember the time he slapped the table with a little too much force and wound up splintering it in two, before it completely collapsed on the ground and smashed. The table was made of kauri wood too, so it wasn't one of your basic tables that would get weighed down easily.

Then there was the time he and Jasper were wrestling and he lost. He got annoyed, kicked a tree and it crashed down... on top of a car and crushing the little car. I thought it was awesome that he could do that. I've always wanted to be able to knock a tree down just by kicking it. But then I felt bad for the tree and decided it was probably better I couldn't.

It has to be said, I was kind of annoyed that he was so strong to begin with. Like, he had been really strong for a mortal: was it really necessary for him to be a super-strong vampire too? But it was kind of inavoidable that he'd be so strong as a vampire. Well, it's Rosalie's fault: she brought him to me and asked me to save him, and I didn't want to see him die, so I changed him. (Don't tell Esme this but I was momentarily sucked in by Rosalie's beauty)

The other day Emmett challenged Bella to an arm-wrestling match. Esme instantly got nervous and told them that if they _had _to arm-wrestle, they had to go outside.

_(Considers briefly)_

Well, Bella is still very young. She is therefore still the strongest vampire in the house. It's not surprising Esme got nervous about them arm-wrestling inside. They'd probably break her favourite antique table or something.

_(Remembers watching them arm-wrestle)_

It was clear that Bella would have won immediately, except that she relaxed her arm for a moment before slamming Emmett's arm down. I think a few trees got it, which I felt bad about. Those poor trees... It's bad enough we cut them down to use paper, but Emmett taking out his frustration on the nearest object isn't a great thing for the environment.

Edward: Carlisle, what on earth are you thinking about? You're starting to sound slightly like a crazy person. I was just listening to your thoughts because I was bored, and you're jealous of Emmett's strength?

Carlisle: Um, yeah. Pretty much. You were only listening to me because you were bored? How come you weren't listening earlier? I'm having a slight crisis here!

Emmett: Carl, you're not having a crisis. You're just being a daft old fool. Since when are you jealous of someone for being strong? I thought you were compassionate. Compassionate people don't usually get jealous.

Carlisle: OLD? Since when am I old? Take that back!

Emmett: Uh, nope. And try the past... y'know... hundred-and-fifty years or so.

Carlisle: (growling) NOW!

Emmett: (considers briefly)... Uhmmm... NO.

_(He runs down the staircase. Carlisle throws a glass paperweight at him. It bounces off his shoulder and shatters in a million pieces)_

Carlisle: (shrieking) AND DON'T CALL ME CARL! And look what you just did you moron! You broke my favourite paperweight!

Edward: You have a favourite paperweight? Man, you need a life. And you do realize that you threw it, therefore you are the one who broke it?

Carlisle: (screams) Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhh!

_(Four windows break, the police beat down the door to see what's going on and everyone covers their ears as best they can. Carlisle almost flies back up the stairs to his study, slams into the wall, knocking a large chunk of wall off and sending it flying. He then bangs the door shut so hard the walls shake and smashes a window. Downstairs: everyone looks at each other, dumbfounded at Carlisle's rare display of temper and shrugs it off to go hunting.)_

Carlisle: (muttering to himself) Stupid Emmett. Stupid strength. Stupid Rosalie. Stupid vampire. Why can't I be awesome and strong? Why not me? Why? WHY? _(falls to his knees and shakes his fist at the ceiling)_ Screams 'Rosaliiieeeeeeee! This is all your fault you dumb blonde vampire!

_(Carlisle then throws his chair out the window. It lands on Edward's Volvo and the Volvo's roof crumples. Carlisle watches this laughing hysterically and slightly manically. He runs to the garage and kicks in the lights of Alice's Porsche and then takes a baseball bat to Emmett's Jeep. He beats the Jeep until it's a pile of crumpled metal and broken glass, then rips out the seats and sets them alight. He covers it with a tarp and leaves a note in the kitchen for Emmett-the note reads 'Emmett: for your Jeep, look under the blue tarp'.)_

**Hehe... Carlisle's getting closer to cracking. Really, beating up a car is completely unlike him... **

**Please review. Also I need some suggestions for the next chapter how he can go mad. Right now I don't have anything so I'm kinda stuck. I'll update once I get a good way for him to go mad... Please send any suggestions in a review and I'll get the next chapter up that much sooner :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimed**

Carlisle thinks: Jasper

I have to say, I've always admired the way Jasper can control and manipulate how others can feel, and tell what they're feeling. It really helps in tense situations if he's able to relax the people around to make them feel calm and happy. I wouldn't mind being able to do that. But it's a gift that shouldn't be taken lightly. It should only be used for good... Still, it'd come in handy if I wanted to manipulate my boss at the hospital from time to time. It'd certainly make the place more entertaining, messing with someone's emotions and maybe I could push for a raise in my salary-my boss is a stingy prat sometimes. Wait, what am I saying? I'm compassionate. I shouldn't be thinking this.

Actually, I wish he'd stop playing that stupid alien video game with Emmett. I could really use a dose of happy right now, Even if I'm not completely feeling happy. Those poor aliens he's blowing up...

It's really a good thing that Alice saw us and came to live with us. We all have strong personalities. Sometimes we clash. Like the time Rosalie wanted to kill Bella, way back when Edward was just starting to fall in love with her. I'm compassionate, so I said she couldn't. I made a big poncey speech about it, and she backed off. Jasper could have used his gift then to calm things but didn't.

Then there was the time we went to play baseball and James, Victoria and Laurent showed up. Things were awkward at first and Jasper managed to manipulate things to a casual, relaxed conversation. He really should have manipulated James to not want to kill Bella though: I hated knowing that he'd have to die, even if he deserved it. I'm a doctor, killing people kind of goes against my morals. Plus, I'm compassionate.

_(Jasper walks in)_

Jasper: Carlisle, have you been at the Red Bull again? Your mood is really bizarre. Kind of like a child, if that child ate hundreds of sugary lollies. Or Alice, when she gets to the good department stores and has half a dozen unlimited credit cards.

Carlisle: You're comparing me to an hyped-up-on-sugar child? Or that pixie when she steals my credit card again? Are you suggesting I'm like a shopaholic girl?

Jasper: No, not at all. It's just that your mood is kind of spazzy. Jumping all over the place. Edward said your thoughts were really random earlier too.

Carlisle: What does spazzy actually mean? What are you saying, Jazzy Spazzy?

Jasper: I'm not saying anything. But your mood is really whacked out and it's starting to freak me out. Esme will kill you if you've been drinking Red Bull again. You know it makes you go all weird. Like you are now.

Carlisle: No, I haven't had any Red Bull. I might have had a few dozen sherbet straws though...

_(Jasper tries unsuccessfully to make Carlisle calm, but fails. Carlisle actually becomes more hyper as the sugar kicks in. Esme walks in)_

Carlisle: Esmeeeeee! How's it going? Are you okay? You look pale. Why do you look so pale? Have you eaten today? Maybe you should get something to eat. Usually only vampires are so pale.

Esme: In case you'd forgotten, we are vampires, you moron. We don't eat. We only drink the blood of animals. Maybe you need to hunt. You're hardly coherent right now. Jasper, can you try to calm him down?

Jasper: I did try... If anything, he got more hyped up. He didn't have any Red Bull, but he has had quite a few of those sherbet straws.

Esme: Carlisle! You're not human, so don't have these sugary things anymore. You know that you react to them worse than humans do.

Carlisle: Lalalalalalalala... That wall is purple and has white dots on it. Why do you suppose that is?

Esme: It's white, just like it has been for the past thirty-eight years!

Carlisle: The dots are so pretty...

Jasper: Carlisle, now you're starting to sound really weird. Maybe you need to hunt.

_(Carlisle jumps up and starts singing 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA while dancing to the radio. He then sits down and gazes at a piece of paper on his desk like it has the meaning of life on it.)_

Jasper: That was really random...

_(Jasper and Esme walk out of the room and explain to the others what's going on. Carlisle is left alone in his study.)_

Carlisle: (talking to himself) Who were those people just then? That blond dude and that pretty hot woman? Did I know them? Why did that guy keep talking about Red Bull? And something about vampires? Vampires aren't real. Any idiot could tell you that. Maybe it was about that book about that vampire by that Bram Stoker guy... And what did she mean I'm not human? But she was right about the wall...

_(His sugar high suddenly crashes and he slumps over his desk.)_

Well, it's all his fault. That blond guy. He refused me any more sherbet straws. And that mean woman wouldn't give me any more Red Bull. She seemed to think it makes me loopy. I don't see why that is. I need my energy! How else am I supposed to keep up with all the awesome people in this house? Are they my family?

_(Realization. He slumps back over his desk and begins sobbing noiselessly. He swipes his arm across the desk, sending everything crashing to the floor. He rips the desk apart and then snaps the pieces into small chunks. He then closes his hand over the pieces, crushing them. Eventually all that's left is a pile of dust from the wood of the desk and a few shreds of paper. Carlisle stands up and surveys the mess before throwing the computer out of the window and begins spinning around in circles, arms outstretched and singing The Song That Never Ends. He then steals nail polish and a face mask from Alice's bathroom and begins painting his nails neon green and pink, adding spots of orange randomly, then applies the face mask.)_

**And here's another chapter. I'm enjoying writing this but running out of random things to end the chapter with. If you have any ideas at all I'd love to hear it. Even if it's just a random word, a song title, or a full idea. Anything is welcome. I'm desperate for something else. **

**The sooner I get some randomness (in the form of reviews! :D) the sooner I'll be able to do the next chapter.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Not being Stephenie Meyer, I don't own Twilight.**

**Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far :) I think this story has got the most reviews so far of any of my other stories, which I like. **

**Just so you know, I'm also a fan of Carlisle but I thought this storyline would work better if he's the main character, since in the books he's kind of calm and sane and all that. **

**Just to answer some reviews before I start the chapter:**

**eclipsefan13: I'm keeping this a family thing, so Carlisle freaks out around his family and then they're the ones who get freaked out. I like the idea though :) of having him freak out at work.**

**Kit-Kat-AnGel: Haha, I think I saw the nickname on some other fanfics too... Since you asked, this one's going to be about Alice. I wasn't sure who I wanted to do next, so thanks for asking (that's why this is about Alice :D ) He will snap fairly soon :D I'm looking forward to writing that.**

**: Thanks :) I'm aiming for maximum hilarity and ridiculousity**

**Isabel Southwell: Thanks :) I also like Carlisle, he's one of my favourite characters. Awesome is one of my favourite words (Not sure why... So is interesting, and I tend to use both a lot if I'm in a silly mood haha)**

**mrsleezcullen: I agree, Carlisle is awesome, but I thought his character would work best with the storyline since its a parody. :)**

Carlisle thinks: Alice

Alice. That little pixie who can see the future and has a lot of happy energy radiating from her. She can see the goddamned future. How the hell did she manage that? It's like the epitome of awesome. She can see the weather and almost everything that'll ever happen. Seriously. She saw Bella's becoming a vampire and that it'd be a close call, that Edward would have to have more self-control to change her than ME. I didn't think that it was possible for Edward to have more self-control than me, but obviously I was wrong. Stupid vampire, he had the brilliant idea to _inject the venom directly into her heart _for crying out loud! I'm the one with centuries of medical practise; I should have been the one to start using injections to get the venom into the bloodstream.

I wonder why Alice didn't see me going slightly mad before. Oh yeah, because I threw her stuff out the window and damaged some things. Then I gave her my credit card... She's probably too busy foreseeing how things would look on Barbie-Bella. Or cleaning the malls out of stock.

I remember the first time Alice and Jasper showed up. They were sitting on the porch waiting to greet myself and Esme, greeted us by name and then the pixie asked which room was hers. Then she cleaned out Edward's room and got settled in. She's stayed with us ever since, as has Jasper. She's been like our little watchdog/resident psychic/hyper-energetic pixie ever since.

I sometimes wonder if she's so energetic because she was on some kind of drug when she changed, and so she was frozen in that state. Well, whatever. It's nice to have one of the kids in the house being so happy-Rosalie and Edward are all moody, Emmett's energy is the bizarre variety and Jasper's contantly putting up with the changes in our moods.

_(Esme appears in the doorway)_

Esme: Carlisle? Have you regained some semblance of sanity?

Carlisle: Yes, Esme. I'm not out of my mind you know.

Esme: If you say so. What happened to your fingernails? And why are you trying to plait your hair?

Carlisle: Just trying to keep up with the latest trends. _(Admires himself in a mirror and smiles at Esme.)_

Esme: Since when is neon nail polish and trying to plait your too-short hair keeping up with the trends? And is that a sash you're wearing?

Carlisle: Well, yes. I think it shows off my figure nicely.

Esme: Since when are you so concerned with how you look? Either you're Alice in disguise or you've been hanging out with Aro too much. I'm convinced he's gay. Are you becoming gay?

_(Carlisle ignores her and poses in front of the mirror)_

Esme: It's okay if you are gay. There's nothing wrong with it.

_(Carlisle continues to ignore her and gets out a jar of hair gel and begins trying to mess his hair up, mimicking the way Edward's hair is.)_

Esme: Okay then. I'll leave you to your own devices. (As she walks out) Must be getting crazy in his old age.

_(Carlisle finally gets his hair perfect. He decides he needs to change his clothes to suit his new mindframe. He sits on the ground and thinks.)_

Carlisle: (screams with excitement) I"VE GOT IT!

_(Downstairs Alice, Rosalie and Bella have returned. Alice gets a sudden vision and collapses in hysterics. She manages to block her thoughts by thinking about herself and Jasper, which she knows will annoy Edward.)_

**Upstairs**, Carlisle leaps to his feet shrieking 'Eureka!'. He dents the floor in his excitement and accidentally punches a chunk out of the wall. He races down the hallway at faster than vampire speed and finds the room. He dives headfirst in and begins searching. He then finds what he is looking for and changes into the new clothing, which fit perfectly, then selects a pair of shoes.

_(Downstairs, everyone is discussing Carlisle and what should be done about his madness. They are all there, which Carlisle notices while racing back to his study in a blur. Even to vampire eyes, he's a blur. Alice keeps laughing and smirking, while blocking Edward by changing from one thought topic to the next as fast as she can.)_

**In **his study, he preens in front of the mirror, then decides to debut his new image to his family. He glides out of his study and struts down the steps into the lounge where his family is gathered.

Carlisle: (in falsetto) Hellooo, darlings! Do y'all like mah new look?

He steps into the lounge, talking to himself about a hundred random things. _'iPod, music, listening, earphones, CDs, instruments, piano, Edward, Bella, Renesmee, wedding, granddaughter, grandparent, old, centuries, God, religion, ancient, civilizations, evolution, biology, science, school... ' and on and on..._

He steps into the lounge and stands in front of his entire family, who immediately begin to laugh hysterically. If vampires could cry, they all would have tears streaming down their faces. Emmett and Alice were almost choking on their laughter, while the rest of the family rolled around on the floor in hysterics. Esme, however, looked a little horrified even as she joined in the laughter.

Carlisle stood in front of them, his hair tousled and gelled like Edward's, fingernails painted with three neon colours and wearing a deep-pink V-necked silk dress, with burnt-orange six-inch stilettoes.

Alice: Carlisle, why were you in my wardrobe? I hope you realize that pink and orange clash horribly.

_(Carlisle pivots on his six-inch heel, runs up the stairs and smashes the mirror. He then begins screaming in pig Latin about how no-one understands him and is just jealous of his unique fashion sense. He throws the TV out the window and watches it smash. He then leaps out the window, ripping Alice's dress up the side, before he runs through the forest ripping up trees and tossing them in the air the way a human woman might throw a bridal bouquet. He comes to the river and tries to swim in it, however it is too shallow for swimming. He runs back to his backyard, where he sets up the hose and sprinkler and begins dancing through the spray of water with all the glee of a small child, singing the theme song to Hannah Montana.)_

Well... Maybe I did overdo it on the nail polish a bit. Next time, I'll ask Alice for advice.

**Carlisle cross-dressing. Haha... This was a lot of fun to write. I came up with it on the bus home from uni, going through an area with a lot of clothing shops. Inspiration hits in the oddest places, but I'm running out.**

**If you have any ideas I'd love to hear them, either in a review or PM. The more whacked-out the better :D I promise full credit to anyone whose ideas I use. **

**Reviews brighten my day :)**


	7. Chapter 7

Still don't own anything. I tried and failed to own Twilight. I'm putting the pain of that aside to bring you another chapter of this. The idea is comedy therapy.

Carlisle thinks: Bella

Shield. That's what Bella's vampire power turned out to be. The girl can shield anyone from something like Edward's mind-reading or Jane's method of inflicting pain through the pain. Even as a human, she could do that. Jane never caused her to feel any pain, and Edward has almost never heard anything from her mind. But seriously, I've never known someone to become a vampire and have their talent carried over from their human life. I mean, she could use her shield when she was human, and I've never known that to happen. I had hoped the shield would disappear when she changed. But no. She has to keep the shield and stay awesome. (Hope you heard that Edward!) And once again I'm reminded of the fact that I'm not awesome.

I wish I could do that. I would like to stop Edward from being able to read my thoughts at any given time. As it is, sometimes I can get Bella to put her shield over my mind so Edward can't read my thoughts, but it doesn't always work. He seems to think lately that I've gone slightly crazy. I don't know why. But she seems to think she should be charging for this service. I've paid her several thousand in the past few years to occasionally shield my mind. Isn't it enough that my family gave her a car and a cottage? She now has to charge to be the shield in the family. Or something. Well, I don't see why I have to be the only one to actually do something to earn money. The others all just tend to go along for the ride. I know I'm really wealthy, but it's ridiculous. Esme sometimes works but prefers to be a stay at home 'mom'and doesn't work often. Emmett would probably take the comedy route with any job he got and therefore get fired; Edward would quit after a week because his coworkers' thoughts would drive him around the bend; Jasper is still not entirely comfortable around humans; Alice and Rosalie would much rather shop. They're a fashion store worker's nightmare-I really can't imagine them behind the counter. Rosalie would snap at anyone who copped an attitude and Alice would scare everyone with her enthusiastic-pixie-on-drugs routine.

I suppose I should be grateful to Bella during our stand-off with the Volturi-Jane tried to make me feel pain but Bella just kept the shield on and I didn't feel a thing. Ha! Take that Janey. Probably the second time ever someone didn't drop to the ground in agony from her stare-the first time being when she tried to give Bella a dose of pain.

_(Bella walks in, very graceful for a vampire)_

Bella: HI Carlisle! Edward keeps going through your thoughts and laughing at what you're thinking. You want me to put the shield over you?

Carlisle: Yes thanks. How much will that be?

Bella: $15,000. I've got to adjust my rates because of the economy nowadays. And don't complain about going bankrupt because you still have billions and my shield is worth the cost.

_(Carlisle writes out the check and hands it to Bella who takes it and skips away.)_

As well as doing a really good job of being a shield, Bella does a really good job of getting my money. Well, if it means I get some privacy from Edward for a while, it's worth it.

Bella: Carlisle, I'm just putting the shield over Esme as well. She told me to get the money from you. So that'll be another $10,000. Thanks!

Esme: Why did you charge Carlisle $5000 more to shield him than me?

Bella: Oh, he's just old. You're still relatively young, Esme, so I charge less for you. I charge more to shield Jasper or Alice than Rosalie or Emmett.

_(Jumps out the window and runs to her cottage. Esme and Carlisle stare at each other in shock.)_

Esme: Well, I'm going to go and try one of those new anti-wrinkle lotions. Alice got it for me the other week in New York.

_(She goes from the room to her bathroom where there are all the anti-aging products stored, courtesy of Alice)_

Esme: Oh. I just realized. I'm a vampire. I don't show any signs of aging. At all.

_(Throws away all the anti-aging products)_

Carlisle: (talking to himself again) My wife is obsessing over a wrinkle, which she doesn't even get. I'm bored. Maybe I should call one of my friends and have them come over to hang out. Oh, I know!

_(Sits on the floor, gets out a cell phone and dials)_

Carlisle: Hello, it's Carlisle... Yes, Carlisle Cullen. Everyone else has gone out hunting and I'm bored. Do you want to come over and hang out? We could play dress-ups or something... Okay, see you soon.

_(10 minutes later, Aro, Caius and Marcus materialize, having climbed through the window.)_

Aro: (looks around) What happened to the desk? And the chair? And the computer? And the radio? And the TV?

Carlisle: Oh, they were annoying me, so I smashed them or threw them out the window.

Caius: (looks impressed) Badass, dude! High-five!

_(They high-five, then all four of them begin dancing a bizarre cross between ballet and hip-hop.)_

Marcus: (squealing like a little girl) Oooh, I know! Let's do some baking for when your family gets back Carly!

Carlisle: (jumping up and down so fast he puts holes in the floor and dents the door) Geeenyus! Let's go!

Aro: To the kitchen!

_(They then spend the next eight hours baking. During this time they bake eleven types of cake, seventeen different flavoured batches of cupcakes, forty-six batches of cookies, and then delve into cooking meals. First they try to cook sushi, then pizza, lasagne, pork chops, baked potatoes, escargot and finally a chocolate soufflé. Eventually they get bored of cooking and dig into the liquor cabinet.)_

**Several empty liquor bottles later...**

Caius: I know! Food fight!

_They begin throwing all the food they made and then start using raw ingredients and tossing dirty dishes around the house.)_

**Two hours later, it begins snowing. (Even though it's the middle of June)**

Aro: Oh look, it's snowing! Time for a snowy Christmas. (He reads Carlisle's mind) Genius! Let's get prepared to greet everyone!

_(They stagger upstairs to the dress-up closet, find what they need and get dressed. They hurry downstairs to greet the rest of the Cullens.)_

**Downstairs, **the rest of the Cullens walk in. Esme is last to walk in and wonders why her family was so quick to hide. She looks around and sees dirty dishes and mountains of food thrown everywhere: stuck to the hallway walls, in the kitchen, on the windows, in the living room and generally everywhere in the first floor.

Esme: (screaming borderline hysterically) WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS GOING ON HERE? CARLISLE! Get your sorry butt here NOW!

_(Aro bounces out of the kitchen and throws his arms around Esme. He is followed by Caius, Marcus and Carlisle.)_

Caius: Ezzie, honey, don't worrily. We was just havin'a lil fun... ya kno, jus' kinda havin a bitta a partieeeyy

_(Esme looks from one grinning face to the next and nearly collapses)_

Esme: Carlisle Cullen, explain to me now why the house is a bombsite and then explain why you are dressed like that.

_(Emmett and Rosalie sneak into the hallway to watch, followed by Alice, Bella and then Jasper and Edward. They all only just manage to suppress their laughter at the sight of Carlisle and the Volturi looking like complete morons.)_

Carlisle: Umm... Well... I was bored... So I called Aro... We did some baking... then we decided to dress up and play games...

_(Esme collapses in the hallway and places her hand over her eyes, moaning 'Please make it all go away')_

Emmett: Carlisle, do you know how much of an idiot you look right now? And the rest of you... So much for the leaders of the vampire world. _(Produces a camera and begins filming each one of them in turn)_

Carlisle: Whaddya mean? I think I look pretty damn fine!

_(Emmett takes him by the arm and steers him to a full-length mirror)_

Emmett: _Now_ do you see what I mean?

Carlisle: Ummm... Oh _crap!_

_(Carlisle sobers up pretty quickly and buries his face in his hands. Esme leaps to her feet_._)_

Esme: Carlisle?

_(He looks at her with a hopeful puppy-dog look on his face)._

Esme: You can explain now, why you're dressed like that. And then you can clean the entire house single-handedly. No-one will help you, and Bella is not going to shield you for a year.

_(Carlisle whimpers and looks at Esme sorrowfully)_

Esme: None of that. You four can start cleaning. I'm going to supervise, and the sane vampires around here are not going to do anything towards helping you all. And if the house isn't spotless within three days, I'm going to tear it down and you can rebuild it _entirely by yourself._ No help, no builders, nothing.

**Two days later:**

Esme is finally satisfied with the cleanliness of the house. Emmett spent ages watching and pointing out spots we'd missed, and we'd go back over them only to realize we hadn't actually missed them. Alice had a vision of how clean the house would be which satisfied Esme (who knew she could be such a tyrant?) and Edward read our minds. Said there was no remorse or anything which might have appeased Esme (the traitor). Rosalie and Bella watched us cleaning and laughed as we did. Probably something to do with how messy the floor was and the fact that we all had to crawl around on our hands and knees cleaning the floor to Esme's exact standards. I doubt they'll ever take the Volturi seriously again. Or me. _(Sobs)_

_(Esme walks in to his study)_

Esme: Good work cleaning. I just want to lay down your punishment: No hugs, no affection, no sex, nothing, for three months. And Bella isn't going to shield you for a year. No exceptions. Okay?

Carlisle: You can't be serious? You are...? _(defeated)_ Okay.

Edward: You're getting off lightly, believe me.

Esme: He's right. I was originally leaning towards killing your Merc. Then I thought of burning _all_ your books. _Then _I considered making you move into a little hut in the middle of a forest, or go on shopping trips with Alice every week for a year.

_(Carlisle gulps)_

Edward: But Jasper convinced her to go with something less violent or drastic. Besides, three months isn't much to us.

Carlisle: Wait, what? Three _months?_ Why don't you just make it a year and have done with it?

Esme: Okay. A year. _(Smiles and walks out the door. Edward follows.)_

_(Carlisle groans and slams his head repeatedly against the wall, creating several dents and a few holes)_

**Esme** walks back in.

Esme: Once you're finished smashing the wall to pieces, can you explain why I walked in to find Aro dressed as Santa Claus, Caius and Marcus as elves and _you_ as his main helper?

Oh. Crap.

Carlisle: (morose, as he hangs his head) Mrs Claus actually.

Esme: (hysterical now) WHAAAAAAT?

**Downstairs, **the rest of the family collapses in fresh hysterics.

Carlisle: (talking to himself while he tears his bookcase apart and throws his books everywhere) Remind me that the next time I play dress ups, I'll dress up as a male character.

**And there's another chapter. Carlisle dressed as Mrs Claus. The Volturi as Santa Claus and elves. The idea came to me as I was walking through a store that was putting up Christmas stuff already... even though it's barely October (I'm sure Christmas comes earlier every year-anyone else think that?). I really do get inspiration in the weirdest places. How about reviews? They're fairly non-weird places. :D**

**Please review, and if you have any ideas for the next chapter (Esme) I'd love to hear them. This fanfic has had more reviews than any of my other stories have had, which I love. Reviews brighten my day :)**


	8. Chapter 8

I never owned Twilight. Never have, never will. Such is life. It all goes to Stephenie Meyer. I finally got my inspiration for this chapter, having been road blocked for a week. Inspiration was found in (but not limited to) White Horse by Taylor Swift, my German exam with the Goethe-Institut that I did today, a bottle of nail polish and a tube of lip gloss (flavoured like chocolate fudge brownies). And the Commonwealth Games.

Carlisle thinks: Esme

Esme. The second vampire I created. Who also happens to be my wife. Possibly the most loving, maternal woman I have ever known. Seriously, she adopted Edward as her son, then Rosalie as her daughter and then Emmett. Then Alice and Jasper showed up and she welcomed them too, like they were her long-lost children or been travelling for years. And finally, Bella showed up in Forks and almost from the get-go, Esme adored the human girl who Alice saw in Edward's future. And then she heard that Edward and Bella were getting married and was almost orgasmic with joy… Good times.

I don't know how she manages it: she is just so loving, and so motherly. Not that it's a bad thing, because it partly meant that new additions to our family were quickly integrated. Even Rosalie, who tends to be a sour brat a lot of the time, warmed to Esme and even called her "mom" once or twice. Esme just loves to be called mom, for obvious reasons. Maybe she's a bit too dumb to see that they're all just substitutes? Otherwise, we've all lived together for so long that she really thinks they're all her children. No matter that Edward and Emmett are older than her in one way, Jasper probably is and the girls are still only a bit younger than her. Well, Bella's the youngest. But whatever.

Maybe I should get a pet. One who I wouldn't be tempted to turn into a meal. Hmmm… I like the idea of a pony. Or any other horsey. Maybe with my own horse, I could enter the Olympics and get gold in horse riding in another couple hundred years. As long as the Olympics aren't anywhere sunny, of course… Or I could say the sparkles are just a really magical side effect of a blood disorder. Or that my idiot son glued glitter to my face. The sparkles are so pretty.

Okay, the horse it is. I'm off to go get one.

_(Runs from the room, pauses to block his mind and mix his future with the wolves so Alice can't see what he's doing, and goes)_

Oooooh, a stable. Nice horseys. That one'll do. It's so pretty. It's like, white. Or grey. Like that song by the blond girl, the one who sings about love and all that. Taylor someone, I think. She looks a bit like Rosalie, but like she would be nicer. Mind you, that wouldn't be hard. But at least she works for her money. Okay, my pretty horsey, let's go home.

_(He gets on the horse's back and rides home. Once he gets to the driveway and gets off, then leads the horse inside.)_

Hello, family, I'm home! Meet my new pet. Isn't she gorgeous?

Emmett: You brought a snack?

Carlisle: No, you moron. He's my pet! And I'm going to get gold one day riding in the Olympics. So I got this horse as a beginner horse to learn the basics.

Rosalie: You do realize you have to ride exceptionally well to compete in the Olympics? And don't call my husband a moron.

Carlisle: Of course I realize that, you dumb blonde. I have all eternity, don't I?

Jasper: The horse will die one day, you know. Alice, how long do you see this horse living if it's with us?

Alice: About two years. It'll most likely make a snack for one of us one day. And don't call Rosalie a dumb blonde, or she might trash your car.

Rosalie: Now there's an idea.

Carlisle: NO! No, not the car! My books, my clothes, anything but the car.

_(Carlisle begins sobbing tearlessly)_

Esme: Carlisle, you're an idiot. You've done some stupid things recently-I'm still recovering from the visit from the Volturi, but this is undoubtedly the stupidest thing you've ever done. I don't know what's got into you lately, but either you stop it, or move out. You could even live in the forest-endless food supply and come back to the house sometimes for some company. Either way, this stupidity stops. Now.

Carlisle: (miserably) You want me to move out?

Esme: No, but I want this idiocy to stop. Whatever it takes.

Carlisle: Screw you all then! _(to the horse) _C'mon. Let's go. You're the only one who understands me around here. I try to be a good person and a good doctor, and I just want to have a bit of fun for once in three and a half freaking centuries, and I get kicked out of my own home for it!

_(He gets on the horse which he has now named Carly's Talking Pizza: Pizza for short and rides all around the house. They leave a path of destruction with broken windows, broken ornaments and piles of horse crap randomly all over the place.)_

Carlisle: I feel much better for that now. That was quite fun.

Esme: You want fun? I'll give you fun. Alice, Edward?

_(They run upstairs and return with all of Carlisle's beloved medical journals and favourite books. They set them all in a pile and take out a pack of matches, and light the books. The books burn quickly and Carlisle has no time to try and save his precious books, so he has to stand and watch them burn.)_

Esme: Now I feel much better for that. It was rather.. cathartic. Cleansing. Really, they were piles of junk taking up space.

Carlisle: How could you? My books! Three centuries of books and they're all just a pile of ash and dust now. Did you leave anything?

Alice: Well, this wasn't instructed by Esme, but we did anyway. We left you a few things to read

Esme: You did? Like what?

_(Alice and Edward laugh and refuse to say anything. Carlisle runs upstairs to check out what books were left.)_

Alice: Look where the desk used to be, under the makeup and mini-skirt.

_(Carlisle jumps down the stairs in one jump, smashing the last three. He's holding a rolled-up magazine and Edward and Alice are laughing hysterically)_

Carlisle: (shrieking so loudly that no human could hear him) A Playboy magazine? Are you two out of your minds? You call this worthless garbage intelligent reading? Or any kind of reading? Are you crazy? You must be…

Edward: Well, we never called it intelligent reading. Just something to read. And none of us is crazy. Except maybe you.

_(Esme gets a thoughtful look on her face and barely manages to conceal her smirk. She doesn't bother to hide her thoughts from Edward, or her plans from Alice.)_

Alice: Okay, Esme, I'll get right on it.

_(Edward laughs)_

Carlisle: My horsey is gone. My family don't understand me. I feel so unloved. I need something to numb the pain. _(Looks wildly around the kitchen) _Here we go… this should do it.

_(He begins to snort icing sugar off the brownies that have magically appeared in front of him on the kitchen bench and starts coughing and choking.)_

Bella: I didn't think vampires could get high?

Edward: It would seem they can. Maybe it depends on the substance they try. This is going to be good. Very… entertaining.

_(Two minutes later the sugar kicks in and Carlisle begins skipping and dancing around the house, trying his best to mimic the Pussycat Dolls. He then switches to aerobics and leaps around singing "Macho Man" and "YMCA". The rest of his family watches partly in amusement and partly in horror, except for Alice who is hiding and blocking her thoughts by mentally singing Justin Beiber songs.)_

**Upstairs,** Alice is digging through her wardrobe searching for clothes. She finds what she's looking for and races to Carlisle's room to switch. She then proceeds to trash all his clothes and shoes and replaces them with only a few items. After doing this she takes a minute to check the future and dresses up as a giant penguin on stilts.

_(Alice then walks downstairs on her stilts, dressed as a penguin. She silently goes straight towards Carlisle and drags him by the elbow to the wardrobe that she edited. She forces the clothes and shoes on him and then subjects him to makeup and hair styling, successfully blocking her thoughts the whole time. Carlisle tries to look in a mirror but she jumps in front of him and smashes the mirror first. She then drop-kicks him down the stairs, smashing another three steps in the process and changes back to her regular clothes, before running downstairs to watch the chaos unfold._

Carlisle's "arrival" downstairs is greeted by hysteria from most of the vampires, with the exception of Esme. Who just looks horrified. As she has been for a while now.

Carlisle: Whatever it is, it isn't my fault. The pixie/penguin forced me.

Emmett: Once again, you look a right idiot. But this time, also like a prostitute. So, an idiot prostitute. _(Grabs a camera and begins taking endless photos.)_

Esme: Oh. My. God. If vampires could have wrinkles or go gray, I'd be looking much older right now. This is just… madness.

Rosalie: I really hope Alice did that for fun. She usually has much better dress sense. And a better sense of style.

Alice: Of course I did it for fun, Rose. I was bored, and I felt like it, so…

Bella: Y'know, Carlisle, if I didn't have Edward, I'd almost go gay for you. I say almost because you're not really a woman. Though you are pretty convincing like that.

Edward: So that's what Alice was hiding. Overall, you look pretty good… if not mildly traumatizing.

Jasper: Carlisle, your emotions are all over the place again. Maybe you should see a therapist. This cross-dressing is worrying.

_(Alice bounces in dressed this time as a super-short leprechaun in a green outfit and pulls him to the new full-length mirror. She yanks away the sheets covering it and reveals to Carlisle his reflection. He shrieks and faints.)_

This time, Alice had styled Carlisle so he resembled a teen hooker. He wore a micro-mini with fishnets and stilettos, and a super-tight, hot pink tube top with a push-up bra underneath. His hair was dyed black with several streaks of green, blue, pink and purple and he had a clip-on nose ring. Alice had managed a manicure and pedicure as well, working at double vampire speed, and his nails were alternately neon blue or yellow. With glue-on rhinestones. And for the final touch, ratty hair extensions.

Overall, the effect was a strange mix of teen hooker combined with some punk and a major dose of no taste-or maybe bad taste.

_(Carlisle runs upstairs to try and change-he discovers his wardrobe is completely empty. Upon looking through his dresser drawers, he discovers his clothes all in rags, shredded or tattered beyond wearing. _

Carlisle: Evil little pixie. How do I get my revenge without her knowing… she'll know as soon as I decide. The best thing would be a snap decision… or if I mix my future with the wolves so she can't see me. Okay, good. Got it.

_(Runs downstairs and to Alice, holding her wallet that is crammed with her credit cards.)_

Carlisle: Alice, I have something to show you.

_(Alice looks suspicious. Carlisle holds the wallet in the air above a bonfire that he quickly created out of nowhere)_

Carlisle: Payback, Alice. Watch as your precious cards die. Muahahahahahahahahahahah!

_(throws the wallet onto the fire and it is immediately burnt. Alice watches, sobbing tearlessly, as her cards burn and her endless supply of money is gone.)_

Bella: Well, that'll save a few million per year.

Alice: I will get you for this, Carlisle, if it's the last thing I ever do!

_(Carlisle shrugs and runs out of the room. He runs into the forest and comes upon his horse, who had run out of the house and trampled Esme's garden. He walks towards the horse, not noticing that it's very sunny and his skin is sparkling like a disco ball. The horse notices him and runs off, but Carlisle catches up to him and tries to get on. He manages to get onto the horse's back but is promptly thrown off and lands in the river. He gets out of the river, sopping wet and looking even worse than before-considering that he is still wearing his hooker wear- and begins smashing trees. After several hours of tearing trees apart he moves on to crushing rocks and throwing boulders around. Eventually he tires of this and runs back home, only to be met by more hysterical laughter from his family.)_

Fantastic. Alice dressed me like a hooker and then drop-kicked me like a rugby ball. My wife thinks I should move out and my children will never take me seriously again. I stole a horse from a stable and then it ran away. Someone probably owned that horse, and loved it. Took proper care of it and all. And I stole it and it's probably going to die alone and miserable.

Jeez, I've completely stuffed up. One hundred per cent. There's no two ways about it. My family just laughs at me, and okay, maybe inviting the Volturi over wasn't the smartest move.

Now what am I supposed to do? I can't face my family again, and Emmett's posted the photos and everything on youtube and the internet-Facebook, Myspace and twitter. I'm done for. My colleagues at the hospital will laugh at me if I show up to work ever again. After all this, I'm still not awesome. My family is, and an unawesome person shouldn't be trying to associate with seven awesome people. Maybe I should try to go somewhere that people would think me awesome… Certainly not Italy.

Well, time to put my future in with the wolves and think in code. Where can I go?

I guess it's time to pack and go to an unknown destination. And then the farewell scene.

**I finally got inspired for this chapter. Yay me. Sorry about the delay, but before I was posting a chapter every other day and that's not realistic anymore since I'm coming up to exams.**

**A few questions: where do you want to see Carlisle go, and what do you want him to do? And what should he say to his family when he says goodbye to them? (keeping in mind, I want to keep with the humour as much as I can)**

**Tell me in a review please ****J****.**

**Reviews make me smile.**


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